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Bestiarium Kremlinensis A – Z

December 27, 2020

Warning: Satire

Fear is the main element in the pro-Kremlin disinformation ecosystem. The EUvsDisinfo has earlier outlined a few of the phobias, plaguing the pro-Kremlin media. In a series of articles, we will continue to explore the nightmares of the Kremlin’s State of Fear and present the Kremlin Bestiary.


The Anglo-Saxon

Saxonum Angliae

The Anglo-Saxon is, together with the Banker, one of the longest-living beast in the Kremlin’s menagerie of monsters. It acts independently or jointly with other beasts; it can even assume the shape of other beasts, appearing as the NATO, the Liberal, or as minor beasts like the Balt. The Anglo-Saxon’s distinctive feature is its ability to shape-change. An attack can be fiercely violent or seductively soft; the Anglo-Saxon will use melodies and colourful pictures as weapons, just as well as hot lead or cold steel.

The Anglo-Saxon avoids direct conflict; it has actually never faced-off in direct confrontation with the Kremlin. The Anglo-Saxon’s ability to disguise and shape-change can be misunderstood as a genuine act of friendship. But the Anglo-Saxon will always betray its allies if it can gain from it.

The Anglo-Saxon is genetically coded to seek world hegemony and will immediately seize any territory within reach. Eventually, the Anglo-Saxon will have almost entirely surrounded all territories, controlled by the Kremlin. Despite its arrogance, the Anglo-Saxon is genuinely pusillanimous. Decisive action against the Anglo-Saxon will always trigger an instinct of appeasement.

Strength: Shape-changing

Weakness: Cowardice

Distinctive features: Stiff upper lip, arrogance

The Anglo-Saxon in the EUvsDisinfo Database on Disinformation


The Balt

Balthus Ominus

The Balt is a beast that despite its relatively small size, constitutes a major threat to the Kremlin. The Kremlin’s beast hunters are devoting an impressive amount of time and energy for hunting the Balt. For several years, the Kremlin was convinced that the Balt had been defeated once and for all, but this little rascal proved to be a much harder nut to crack than expected.

The Balt’s major feature is its ability to survive. This feature was not known to the generation of Beast Hunters that managed to capture the Balt and so they believed to have defeated it. The Balt actually survived the generations of Kremlin Beast Hunters. The danger with the Balt is that it exposes weaknesses of the Kremlin.

The Balt’s small size is both a strength and a weakness. Obviously, the Balt is not a danger to the existence of the Kremlin, but it moves fast and strikes painfully and its defiant attitude is irritating.

Strength: Moves quickly, strikes painfully

Weakness: Small, not really a threat

Distinctive features: Size, attitude

The Balt in the EUvsDisinfo Database on Disinformation


The Banker

Conspirator Argentariae

The Banker is an arch-enemy of the Kremlin. Some of the pro-Kremlin beastiologists argue that the Banker is the primordial enemy, predating any other beasts; while others give the priority to the Anglo-Saxon. The Banker is rarely acting on its own; but uses proxies for carrying out its destructive work. The Banker is a solitary and secretive beast, but is known to convene with its kind regularly to avoid conflicts of interests.

The Banker can act from large distances; it does not need to be anywhere near any of its actions. The proxies might even believe they act independently, while they are under the influence of the Banker’s venom: gold. This venom is highly addictive; once bitten, the victim will thirst for new doses of gold.

The Banker habitates in banks, where the Banker collects its spoils. Kremlin beast hunters have successfully entered banks for retrieving riches and engaging the Banker in combat. Bankers have been caught and exposed only to reappear at an entirely new location. The Banker is easy to defeat, but virtually impossible to exterminate.

Strength: Ability to reinvigorate

Weakness: Physically weak, yields to violence

Distinctive features: wears formal dress, often adorned with dollar signs

The Banker in the EUvsDisinfo Database on Disinformation


The Deep State

Administratio profundus

The Deep State is an enigmatic beast that causes destruction through obstruction. While most predators hunt actively and attacks its prey, the Deep State lies passively, sucking energy of its victim. It is a textbook example of parasitism. The structure affected by the Deep State is usually entirely unaware of the existence of the parasite.

The Deep State successfully camouflages itself in the form of perfectly normal administrative structures, protocols, hierarchies, but has an uncanny ability to mobilise spontaneously for hostile inactivity. The Deep State is similar to the Soros, but less visible. While the Soros acts in a sentient way; the Deep State reacts instinctively, collectively and passive-aggressively.

The Deep State can only be defeated if its host is removed. Undermining societal structures is the key of success. Any resemblance of a legal system and an independent judiciary must be replaced with blind loyalty to the Leader.

Strength: Ideally concealed as a parasite

Weakness: Entirely dependent of its host

Distinctive features: Passive aggressive

The Deep State in the EUvsDisinfo Database on Disinformation


The Ecologist

Agitator Climatum

In the Kremlin ecosystem, The Ecologist is part of a group of tricksters. The Kremlin beastiology is based on an understanding that an ecosystems consists of predators and prey. Those who eat and those who are eaten. The Kremlin perceives itself as a predator, competing with other predators. The predator has the rights to everything it controls: hunting grounds, territories, resources, but those rights must be constantly protected or it falls into the hands of a competing beast. Survival of the Fittest in its clearest form. The Ecologist deflates this vulgar interpretation of Darwin and points at the idea of Mutual Aid and solidarity as a survival and growth instrument in the ecosystem.

The Ecologist is not really a vital threat to the Kremlin, but it sets askew the entire Cosmos of the Kremlin; and no resources have been spared to attack and destroy this little beast. Tricksters are generally very smart, vigorous, and hard to catch like Greta. Attempts to destroy the Trickster through attacks on the Soros or the Banker have proven to no avail.

For outsiders, the appearance of the Ecologist is entirely innocuous, but the sight of the Ecologist agitates the Kremlin profoundly.

See further: The Tricksters

Strength: Agile, persistent, quick

Weakness: Size

Distinctive features: Occasionally with braids

The Ecologist in the EUvsDisinfo Database on Disinformation


The Fascist

See Russophobe


The Feminist

Femina Ira

In the Kremlin beastiology, the Feminist is another example of a trickster. The Feminist threatens the harmony and order as perceived by the Kremlin. Similar to other Tricksters, it has an innocuous appearance and behaviour but manages to drive the Kremlin to a state of panic and confusion.

The Kremlin has aggressively attempted to create an environment where the Feminist cannot thrive, but the Feminist has proven to be able to adapt to the circumstances. The Feminist continue to be very active and very visible in the Kremlin universe.

See further: The Tricksters

Strength: Persistence, viability

Weakness: Size

Distinctive features:

The Feminist in the EUvsDisinfo Database on Disinformation


The Gay Man

Masculinus Gaudens

The Gay Man assumes a prominent role in the family of Tricksters of the Kremlin Beastiary, and just as with other Tricksters, it provokes severe panic and awe in the pro-Kremlin networks, while it is impossible to perceive it as a vital threat. The Kremlin has prioritised the hunt for the Gay Man for a long time, obviously set to exterminating it entirely.

The Gay Man provokes a certain kind of paranoia with the Kremlin; similar to the effects of the Ecologist and the Feminist, but with an even larger impact. The Kremlin strikes viciously in any direction where it suspects Gay Man presence.

Kremlin beastiologists labour under the theory that all tricksters are merely instruments of other beasts, first and foremost of the Soros, and have attempted to battle against the Gay Man through attacking the Soros.

See further: The Tricksters

Strength: Persistence, unpredictability

Weakness: Size

Distinctive features: None; though Kremlin beastiologists suggest it wears leather or female attire

The Gay Man in the EUvsDisinfo Database on Disinformation


The Liberal

Liberalus Horribilis

The Liberal is a beast that acts together with the Banker and the Soros. The Liberal is known for its ability to rejuvenate, and few beasts are more feared than a rejuvenated liberal, a so called neoliberal. While the Liberal is a feared enemy armed with free markets and human rights, the Kremlin attempts to hunt it through mimicry; carefully copying some features of the Liberal.

The Liberal appears not to have any visible means of attack: no fangs, no tentacles, no claws. It is featureless, making it very similar to the Deep State, but less passive. The Liberal is also similar to the Soros and can be understood as an intermediate species. The relation to the Banker seems to be more of a symbiotic nature.

As with the Deep State, the Liberal can only be exterminated if its habitat is demolished. The Kremlin has attempted to weed out any trace of an environment where the Liberal can thrive. Still, it is apparent that it is still perceived as an urgent threat.

Strength: Adopts quickly to the environment

Weakness: Non-aggressive

Distinctive features: Benign appearance

The Liberal in the EUvsDisinfo Database on Disinformation



Militarius Omnipresentus

The NATO is a beast, by Kremlin beastiologists strongly associated with the Anglo-Saxon. Some beastiologists suggest the two actually are identical. The NATO is more mobile and ominous, permanently and aggressively challenging core Kremlin territory. This process is referred to as encirclement, even though the NATO barely has any direct contact with Kremlin areas.

This encirclement has led Kremlin beastiologists to identify the NATO with a reptile, possibly clad in armour. The Kremlin has never attempted to confront the NATO directly. In theory, brutal force should scare it off, but there is a suspicion that the NATO would react unpredictably on an attack.

The NATO is probably venomous. Kremlin beastiologists suspect it can, similar to a Dragon, breath sickness and ailment on territories. The NATO is deceptive and is never letting go of a victim, once conquered.

Strength: Very large

Weakness: Slow

Distinctive features: Serpent-like shape

The NATO in the EUvsDisinfo Database on Disinformation


The Russophobes


Generally, the Russophobe is not really a species in the Kremlin beastiary, but rather the entire class of enemies. They are all united by an intrinsic hostility to the Kremlin and its system of values. Thus, both the awe-inspiring Soros and the seemingly innocuous Ecologist represent the Class Russophobiae.

All members of the Russophobiae are characterised by an aggressive attitude towards order and harmony as identified by the Kremlin. In some cases this attitude is fed by a sense of competition; for instance, the Kremlin threatens the Soros and impedes the movement of the NATO. In other cases, the attitude is simply an irrational hatred towards decency and decorum.

Strength: Focus

Weakness: Big differences between species

The Russophobiae in the EUvsDisinfo Disinformation Database.


The Soros

TyrannoSoros Maximus

The Soros is one of the fiercest beasts populating the Kremlin’s nightmares. Its venomous Open Society network can appear in almost any place of the world, while the actual beast is very rarely visible. The Soros attacks through a subterranean network of mycelia, allowing the beast to strike far away from its habitat and create domestic Opposition. The Soros can be virtually anywhere, everywhere all at the same moment. Its poison has a sweet taste, inducing a sense of power and righteousness into the victim. It is debated within the community of Kremlin beastiologists if the relationship between the Soros and other beasts is based on symbiosis or parasitism.

The Soros’ natural habitat is the Western Hemisphere or Davos, but it is a highly invasive species, aggressively attempting to spread its hunting grounds into areas that have managed to stay clear. Beastiologists note a recent attack of the Soros on its own North American habitat, strengthening the theory of the parasitic nature of the beast.

The Soros relies heavily on its enormous size and occasionally seems to be a little careless in its actions. A Soros attack is easily recognisable through visible marks on the surface. This allows the beast-hunter to identify the nature of the attack at a very early stage.

Strength: Omnipresence

Weakness: Leaves visible marks

Distinctive features: tentacles, mycelia, a worldwide web

Soros in the EUvsDisinfo Disinformation Database


The Tricksters


In beastiology, the Trickster is rarely a vital threat but rather an irritating force that spoils intended plans for harmony and order. The Tricksters refuse to respect authority, rules and even power. A Trickster can change appearance, gender and species; it defies violence and tradition. The Kremlin beastiology identifies three main categories of Tricksters – The Ecologist, The Feminist and the Gay Man – often acting in concert. On occasions, it appears that the beastiologists have issues differentiating between the various categories of tricksters. For instance, features of the Gay Man can be confused with features of the Feminist. Some beastiologists identify other Tricksters, like The Vegetarian, The Cyclist, The Woke…

Tricksters are virtually impossible to hunt and their actions usually go unnoticed until too late, when Kremlin order and harmony are set askew. Most Kremlin beastiologists act upon the conviction that the Trickster is actually a host for the Soros.


The Ukronazi

Bandera Eterna

The Ukronazi should not be confused with the Fascist (Fascistus Vulgaris) or the Nazi (Fascistus Vulgaris var. Germaniensis). It is closely related to the Russophobe and is probably the most prominent of all the Kremlin’s villains. The Kremlin beastiologists tend to be divided into two camps on how to describe the Ukronazi: either as a harmless annoyance or a vital threat to the Kremlin’s very existence. Interestingly, few outside Kremlin beastiology circles have ever noted the menace of the Ukronazi, but it fits perfectly the conspiracies related to Crimea’s illegal annexation.

While Kremlin beastiologists very much focus their attention on the Ukronazi, it is likely that it is entirely a kind of phobia endemic to the Kremlin. A phantasm, a spectre, an illusion. The Kremlin’s preoccupation with the Ukronazi actually impedes attempts to combat real Fascism.

The Kremlin describes the Ukronazi as connected to the Anglo-Saxon and the Soros. Its strength lies in its physical proximity to the Kremlin’s primal hunting grounds.

Strength: Proximity to Kremlin hunting grounds

Weakness: Seems not to have physical appearance

Distinctive Feature: Possibly non-existent

The Ukronazi in the EUvsDisinfo Database on Disinformation.


The Zombie

Profanum vulgus

The Kremlin fears the Zombie, or, as it is referred to outside the Kremlin, the People. The Kremlin refuses to accept the notion that any popular movement of sentiment is genuine. The people does not move without interference from The Soros, The Banker, The Anglo-Saxon or virtually any of the Russophobiae.

The Kremlin is engaged in a fierce battle against the Zombie, restricting its access to air and freedom of movement or expression. The Kremlin is convinced that The Zombie is innately violent and destructive and cannot be trusted.

Outside the Kremlin, it is much debated whether the Zombie is actually a creation of the Kremlin. Measures taken to restrict its freedom amplify its hostility. The Kremlin views the Zombie as subdued and under control, but the same can be said about, for instance, the Balt and, to a degree, the Ukronazi, both earlier under Kremlin control.

Strength: Massive in numbers

Weakness: Subdued by the Kremlin

Distinctive feature: Multitude

The Zombie in the EUvsDisinfo Disinformation Database